Happiness

I sit here, at 2am on a Sunday, knowing full well I have a full 12 hours of work ahead of me today and that I probably should be lying in my bed behind me. Yet for some reason I'm drawn away. My mind has too much it wants to say. Too much it wants to shout. To be quite honest with you, I've been thinking a lot about life recently. My life, the lives of others, life in general. I've often had the discussion with some of my old friends, well - more like a debate - on what the most powerful emotion is. The emotion that can drive people to do crazy acts, whether they be good or whether they be "bad". I used to think it was anger. Anger is definitely up there. We see things like whole cities being bombed because of anger and an attempt at revenge. Seeking justice for which we supposedly deserve. Do all humans deserve justice? I'd have to say yes. Fairness, equality, all that good stuff. However, I often wonder to myself how many humans actually get what they deserve. Let's call it a happiness ratio. Did you know there are 6.84 billion people in the world? I certainly didn't before writing this entry. So with that many people, how many are happy - and - how many are not? I don't really have an answer for you, I just find it interesting. For those that aren't happy, for those who are angry, or sad, or lonely. What is the quickest and easier route to happiness? Well that's a fairly simple answer, love.

So ultimately, we need love. How does one find love? Well that's just it. I don't think you can go searching for love. It merely finds you. However this could be love for a best friend, love for a younger sibling, love for a passion that drives you so hard that you wake up every single day with driving determination, looking forward to challenging the world at every step. There are many forms of love. At the moment I find myself in a predicament. I'm in love with someone - most likely one of the few who will ever actually read this - who is so far away from me right now it would take over a day to get to her. This girl is a very special, very kind, very loving human being. But at this current moment in time, we are divided. Not only by distance, but also by emotion. In fact I'm actually struggling to write about this topic. Perhaps it's better left unsaid. I guess, I just want her to know that, although I may not be there for her when she needs me, I plan to be in her future. Whether she likes it or not. Preferably though, she'll like it. But yeah technically speaking I'm single again, for the first time in a very long time. It feels weird though. I can't really describe the feeling fully. At work, with people, during the day, I'm the same. I act the same, I have the same inappropriate sexual jokes, I laugh the same, it just feels as if there's this gaping hole in my soul, that twinges with sadness whenever my thoughts decide to wander, specifically about her. When I experience this sadness, it's less about who I am, and where I am, and more about who I'm not with. Sometimes I doubt my own intellect and emotions. I honestly feel that she is the most important thing in my life, even though she disagrees, that I should concentrate on my future and passions, it doesn't seem to matter when she's involved because I know that if I'm with her, whatever I'm doing, I'll be happy. Doesn't matter where I work, what I study, what I'm doing, where I'm living. I think this characteristic is a very blinding characteristic. However, I don't mind being blind when love's concerned. But yeah, I'm struggling to get over our very recent break up. I'm not sure if you could call it that, because I still love her very much, but it's basically what it is. Funnily enough, I actually initiated the discussion about potentially putting the relationship on hold until I see her next, physically, and yet here I am in such a state that I fear I may have sealed my own fate. But what has happened, has happened. No point dwelling on the past, merely need to attempt to dwell on the future, and prospects that await.

I plan to leave Florida soon, to embark on a journey to New York. I'm hoping it'll be another two weeks or so, maybe even less. Visa, etc. I've decided that when I get there, I need to change a bit. Simply to be able to find happiness, with less dependency on others to find it. Sure, experiencing it with a lover, or a friend is great. But becoming so utterly reliant on said person for happiness is in fact a curse. Hopefully I can achieve this goal. But I guess we'll see.

“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”  - English poet William Ernest Henley (1849–1903).


If you are reading Rosie, I will wait for you, for us, forever. If you aren't well then - this is awkward for those of you who aren't her, haha!


Moving on, I was going to switch blogs, to either wordpress and tumblr, to potentially - at some stage - become noticed. Gain some insight and experienced from more experienced writers. But for now I guess I'm kinda lazy to look into it. I might still move relatively soon, I'm just comfortable at blogger.com for now.

Here's a song my good friend linked to me, to help me get over my sadness. Such a cliche, I know, but music helps me. I hope it helps you too. Made me smile and made me feel good. Made me feel optimistic in actual fact. One day I hope that I can feel this happy every single day I wake up.

I know you might not understand it, so here's a rough translation. (google ftw)

You know that there is a boat that goes to the land of dreams
Down there where it’s hot, where the sky is marvelous
You know that at in the end this world
Oh yes the people sow
Some millions of seeds of joy where here grows the hatred
I was told it little boy
Down there they remove your chains
They give you a life
Without throwing you in the arena
Like here everything small
You’re plunged into a live where you lose your breath quick
Then without hesitating
I jumped into the sea
To rejoin this vessel
And see at last this world
Down there too many lights
I had to close my eyes
But alone the smells
Were filling all my vows
Refrain
Just wanna be free in my world
Vivere nella liberta
Then a little girl, as beautiful as the nature itself
Took me by the hand and said to me, followed this adventure
They were even saying, oh yes that the sea was envying her
That the mountain bent to let her pass
She took me far away with a gentleness without end
And her browned curls freed that perfume
Who since the years was guiding that way, your way, my way, the way
To arrive finally at those baby dreams
Who don’t have limits like those nowadays
I saw some dolphins swimming in a sky of cotton
Where from the flowers were flying, caressing the horizon
I saw from the trees to grow
I saw trees growing, replacing the skyscrapers

It doesn't actually matter what the words mean. It's the joy I experienced when I listened to the words. I hope all of you who aren't happy and are reading this, may find a path to experience that happiness. And those of you who are - well - I'm jealous, haha.

This might have been quite depressing, sorry about that. Next time I'll try be more uplifting and inspiring :D